Saturday, April 12, 2008

Gettin' the Snip and Paris-Roubaix

  So after fathering two beautiful girls over the past three and a half years I've decided to get a vasectomy. A brave and selfless decision I think. And smart as well, as I really think two kids are plenty for me and after I get the all clear my wife and I will be free to just let it go without concern. Totally. 
  After a sleepless night I got out of bed yesterday at 5:30a.m. and proceeded to shave my nuts for the procedure as instructed. Actually I shaved the whole enchilada. Stump AND nuggets. It's a difficult endeavor to do this so early in the morning after a sleepless night. So I get there and take one of two prescribed Valium while I wait to get my room and by the time we begin I've taken the other. During the whole deal I'm laying there with my pecker taped back and my shaved everything just chillin' out there as one male doctor, one female doctor and a female nurse perform the procedure. What they do is cut a small hole down there without a scalpel (some how) and pull out one tube at a time through the hole. They then take out a section of about 3-4mm of your man tubing, tie one side with what they call a purse string and burn the other side with what looks like a small soldering iron. The dude wanted to give me the thing but I forgot it there. That sucks 'cause I don't have a soldering iron at home. Damn.
  Since the whole thing went down I've been popping vicodins, drinking crimson wheats and icing my stuff with a bag of frozen peas and basically holding the couch down. Not such a bad weekend if you ask me. Apart from having bruises on my swollen sack and the occasional feeling of having been kicked in the balls. I think the benefits will out weigh this short period if discomfort. It may be the pain killers an beer talking but I feel pretty happy right now. Now onto bikes. The Hell of the North, the Queen of the Classics, the 106th version of Paris-Roubaix happens tomorrow(Sunday) and I'm wearing my jazz hands. This is my favorite race on the calendar and the fact that the weather man is expecting rain just adds to the excitement. The riders with enough grit to tackle the 259.5 km (161.25 mi) trek to the velodrome in Roubaix will travel on sections of cobblestone roads that've been trodden by the armys of the Roman empire as well as those of of Napolean. This race has been conquered by such greats as Eddy Merckx (3 times), Roger De Vlaeminck (4 times) and Francesco Moser (3 times). The race will be broadcast NEXT Sunday, April 20th at 4p.m. EST on Versus. Check it out if you can. If you can record that shit, even better (Burn me a copy). I don't know why they're waiting a week to show the race. I bet if it was a cage match or a turkey shoot they'd have prompt coverage. Yeah, they can suck it!  Maybe by then we can all agree on a spot to watch it and get together to make some beers disappear. Until then, adieu.


P77 said..., 43.
Iced nuts eh?
I can only think of the nihilist in the Big Lebowski loudly echoing "CUT OFF YER JOHNSON!".
Glad you're okay, take care of the ole 3 piece. Paris-Roubaix is always worth watching even if we have to wait 7 days.

tink said...

awww... although i can not exactly sympathize with you, I feel for ya. Hang in there buddy.

WBC Boise Chapter said...

1. Tom Boonen (Quick Step)
2. Fabian Cancellara (CSC)
3.Alessandro Ballan (Lampre)

DylanHowell said...

who in this town has versus?

fourthree said...

Cody has Versus. Is he working on Sunday? Hmmm. Stay Tuned.

Stevil said...

I always hated your balls anyhow.