Wednesday, April 30, 2008

No Coast Represent

This time of year always makes me miss the Midwest, hockey playoffs, Twins baseball and bulk bags of Kingsford charcoal on sale. Minneapolis, despite being confined to the ridiculously cold climes of what is essentially Southern Canada, is an amazing town. It's a super liberal puddle of artists and cyclists and great rock n' roll in the middle of the cold and conservative sea of middle-American farm country. And everyone there likes beer. Lots of it. In tall cans, 40's, pony kegs, suitcases, half racks and now, I discover: pedal powered. My daily perusing of weird web culture (which always starts with Stevil's rants over at ) unearthed this little gem of awesomeness currently marauding the fine city streets of Minny. THE PEDAL PUB. WOW. There truly is no place like home. P77

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Mean Streets of Sesame

Riding in the downtown, weekend party traffic is always a bit interesting. Take my friend Bert for instance; he's the one in the car in the picture above. If the photo were larger you could read "Bert" on his plates and see he is giving me the finger and also, just barely, the police a few car lengths back. Ya see, Bert hates me or hates bicycles or hates traffic or hates driving or maybe even hates Ernie. Either way, he was so upset that I rolled past him while he was idling at a green light that he raced up onto my back wheel and laid on his horn for the next two blocks. I slowed to a crawl and laughed at him over my shoulder and then snapped the picture. About three seconds after I pulled the shutter the cop signaled me to the curb as he closed out my line. He reprimanded me for not having lights on my bike and explained how dangerous that really is. He told me the lighting fine was $50 and if he felt so inclined he could ring me up for an additional $75 for an unsignaled lane change and $75 for "antagonizing a motorist". He let me go with a warning and Bert I assume, went back to Mr. Hooper's and grabbed another pocket-bottle of gin before he went back out honking his little horn. So, be careful out there kiddies, Bert hates you and can't wait to tell you and everyone else within earshot all about it. *Local ordinance says that it's possible to be hit with a $100 fine for noise violation but fails to mention if this applies to car horns or muppets driving. P77

Pix - 04.12.08

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Gettin' the Snip and Paris-Roubaix

  So after fathering two beautiful girls over the past three and a half years I've decided to get a vasectomy. A brave and selfless decision I think. And smart as well, as I really think two kids are plenty for me and after I get the all clear my wife and I will be free to just let it go without concern. Totally. 
  After a sleepless night I got out of bed yesterday at 5:30a.m. and proceeded to shave my nuts for the procedure as instructed. Actually I shaved the whole enchilada. Stump AND nuggets. It's a difficult endeavor to do this so early in the morning after a sleepless night. So I get there and take one of two prescribed Valium while I wait to get my room and by the time we begin I've taken the other. During the whole deal I'm laying there with my pecker taped back and my shaved everything just chillin' out there as one male doctor, one female doctor and a female nurse perform the procedure. What they do is cut a small hole down there without a scalpel (some how) and pull out one tube at a time through the hole. They then take out a section of about 3-4mm of your man tubing, tie one side with what they call a purse string and burn the other side with what looks like a small soldering iron. The dude wanted to give me the thing but I forgot it there. That sucks 'cause I don't have a soldering iron at home. Damn.
  Since the whole thing went down I've been popping vicodins, drinking crimson wheats and icing my stuff with a bag of frozen peas and basically holding the couch down. Not such a bad weekend if you ask me. Apart from having bruises on my swollen sack and the occasional feeling of having been kicked in the balls. I think the benefits will out weigh this short period if discomfort. It may be the pain killers an beer talking but I feel pretty happy right now. Now onto bikes. The Hell of the North, the Queen of the Classics, the 106th version of Paris-Roubaix happens tomorrow(Sunday) and I'm wearing my jazz hands. This is my favorite race on the calendar and the fact that the weather man is expecting rain just adds to the excitement. The riders with enough grit to tackle the 259.5 km (161.25 mi) trek to the velodrome in Roubaix will travel on sections of cobblestone roads that've been trodden by the armys of the Roman empire as well as those of of Napolean. This race has been conquered by such greats as Eddy Merckx (3 times), Roger De Vlaeminck (4 times) and Francesco Moser (3 times). The race will be broadcast NEXT Sunday, April 20th at 4p.m. EST on Versus. Check it out if you can. If you can record that shit, even better (Burn me a copy). I don't know why they're waiting a week to show the race. I bet if it was a cage match or a turkey shoot they'd have prompt coverage. Yeah, they can suck it!  Maybe by then we can all agree on a spot to watch it and get together to make some beers disappear. Until then, adieu.